It takes the average male two minutes and fifteen seconds to bleed to death from trying to open those battery-powered Gilette razor packages without scissors.
Edward Longshanks
Historians will describe me as well hung, poorly drawn, and quartered by someone I should never have trusted.
I’m not sure how they will describe my death.
Vegetables
In the late 1980s, my great-aunt Ann was diagnosed with Stage-4 breast cancer.
As a devout Christian she never went back to the doctor and instead left it in God’s hands.
Steve Jobs turned to vegetables.
Aunt Ann turns 98 this year.
I don’t believe in vegetables anymore.
sans papiers
My closest friend said that I should seek help.
So I went to Home Depot and picked up a few migrant workers.
None of them spoke English and none of them were carrying guns.
Salix babylonica
They say that planting tree in your garden can help with depression.
So I planted a weeping willow.
Impossible to hang yourself from a weeping willow.
Cause of Death 